Thoughts

Lukewarm

2009-02-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

I know, I know... my new year's resolutions are what you might say...a little delayed.

I honestly don't want to be doing this right now. I feel like I have a lot more that I could be doing. How fitting for the article I just read!

I just read "Stupid Things I Do" by Francis Chan, the pastor from Cornerstone Church and president of Eternity Bible College in Simi Valley. It's frighteningly close to what I have been feeling the past week.

In this article, Chan talks about how utterly busy life can get, and how we can just forget to love God. You might say,"Who forgets to love God?" but seriously - I know I'm knee deep in that right now. For some reason, I just can't get motivated like I used to. Chan tells about how he doesn't mean to forget to love God, he just does. We've all had those times where we clearly cannot deny who Jesus is and what he's done for us. Why is it that I do not think of that all the time? I've got class, leadership, deep relationships, other friendships, keeping in shape, eating right, getting enough sleep... I've got so much to do. I'm a failure at most of them too - and yet I can't remember my God when I'm supposed to.

NIV Revelation 2
-"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who clain to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you. You have forsaken your first love."

Its true. I've forgotten my first love. I can't remember the last time I just sat down and was in awe of my heavenly father. Francis Chan understands this too. This is a terrible problem because I, like he, am a leader. I feel it within me. I cannot deny what has been placed on me. Unfortunately Chan knew exactly what I was thinking when I read his next few comments.

"I FAKE PASSION WELL" There is no doubt that a lot of leaders are good leaders because of their ability to be passionate and deceiving at the same time. Chan asks, " If I asked those closest to you about your relationship with God, what would they say? If i were to ask God the same question, what would he say? If your family, friends, and congregation have better things to say about you than God, its because you give them that impression. We do this because we can. God gifted us with an ability to communicate. Too often we use this ability not to convey who we are but who we want others to think we are".

This is where I stand. I feel like I have been taking on so much stuff - Bible studies, dicipleships, leadership positions, singing in the band, raising money for missions, planning missions, inviting people to come to our weekly worship service.. I THINk that I'm doing it for God, but often times I think its because I feel pressured to do so.. its what I'm "supposed" to do so I do it. You wouldn't say no to any of these things if you were a God-loving Christian. That's just taboo. God knows my heart better than that.

"I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive but you are dead", says Jesus to the church in Sardis (Rev 3:1 NIV). It's how I feel. I feel like a zombie. I have motions, and they may even be motions driven out of me for the greater good, but lately I feel dead. No breath. No life. I have often been forgetting the whole point of why I do the things I do. Sad.

Chan found another papercut to pour lemon juice in. His next paragraph was about how he follows the people he leads. Chan hates to be rejected. So do I. It's difficult. Who wants to be an outsider? Who wants to know that people don't like them, maybe even a lot of people don't like them. Chan says that unfortunately he knows how to keep people from rejecting him and staying at the church, simply by being led by the wrong desires of the people. It's sad but true. I often just say yes to everything in order to make everyone happy. If I say no, I'd be a bad friend, a bad co-worker, a bad.. whatever I am.

"God calls us to give people what they need, based on his word, regardless of whether they stick around. Jesus led. Few followed, but he kept leading.

I can't forget that I do have a purpose. To glorify God - whether or not others like it! I can't glorify him if I'm constantly crabby and worn to the bone. I can't glorify him when ALL of my attention is going to 2094320 different things. I can't glorify him when I'm trying to make myself look like superwoman. I need a change!

In Rev. 3:14-22, Jesus says to the church of Laodicea that he will "spit out" the lukewarm church that they had become. Neither hot or cold are they - just gross middlewater that obviously is not welcomed by God. I don't know about you but I fear being lukewarm now. I think that I am getting there... I don't feel the heat of passion nor the cold of giving in to this world..but i'm getting dangerously close to the middle choice and the last.

In my prayers this week I will definitely be concentrating on renewing my faith, doing what is right, and leading the right way. I make mistakes, God knows that and so do others. I am looking to the future though. What better time than now to be with the one who loves me most? I want my attitude to change towards all the activities I insisted on being a part of this year. This is for my Lord, not me, not anyone else. I can't turn back now, I'm just going to try to keep swimming. I want my first love back.

Tired.

2009-01-20T20:11:00.000-08:00

The first day of school wiped me out - I'm a little nervous about the semester as a whole - along with trying to blog everyday.

In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King JR Day, I'm going to post his whole "I Have A Dream" speech..Sadly, I'm not sure I've actually ever sat down and read through the whole thing. Enjoy!

"I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating: "For Whites Only." We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."2

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!3 "

A place to call home...

2009-01-18T17:58:00.000-08:00

I think I'm an official church hopper. I've hopped around so many places the last two years I don't think I can remember all the places I've been right now. I don't feel too comfortable at the church in my hometown anymore - it doesn't help that I'm away for months at a time and can't participate. I haven't really found a place in CoMo that I feel comfortable at either. For a while I wasn't even sure what I should look for - but at least now I have some idea of what I don't want to be involved in. I know I won't be able to find the perfect church to join but I'd like to find one that is actually traveling toward some sort of Godly goal. I like progress. I like change for the better. Isn't that what Christ did for me?

Today I visited Grace Bible Church here in Columbia. Have to admit - I think I've been avoiding going because of the name. I feel like its very typical - grace bible.. I'm so judgmental. It was a pleasant surprise though - the whole experience. The main reason I decided to try Grace today was because the guy from the orphanage in the Philippines told me that the church was a supporter of the ministry and it would be good for me to visit them. I'm glad I did. I know it's sad but I can't really remember the last time I couldn't stop smiling during the service. Maybe its because I appreciate a good vocabulary (Pastor Mike Burt - he used the word archaic! how sweet is that?), or maybe it was because it was 40 degrees higher today than the past two ice age days we've had here... but I really felt energized the whole time! The music was great, and it was good to be surrounded by friends who I haven't seen for a whole month, but I don't think that had that much to do with how I felt.

Pastor Mike did a wonderful job of giving the sermon. He titled it "Biblical Church Growth" and it's from a series they are doing about the birth of the Church (from Acts 1-12). It's possible that he is one of the most lyrical public speakers I've heard. Not only could I hear the passion in his voice the words just seemed to flow out in perfect harmony. I could tell he loves God... and I definitely felt like God was using him to talk to me. God is humorous sometimes - Pastor Mike talked about The Church Essential (v.41 - what exactly is the church composed of and the point?), The Church Gathered (v.42-43 - fellowship), and The Church Scattered (v. 44-47 - locally and universally joined). (you should look them up yourself :) ) All of them had great points - but I think the one that hit me the most is when he talked about fellowship it the church. He seemed so confident to say that the Church today just doesn't do enough - which I was thinking "uh YEAH"... someone who finally preaches what I'd like to say to every church I've visited! There is a reason I don't feel comfortable or welcome.. its because people don't often get pass "hello, so glad you've came to church today!" I want a place where I'm needed, a place I can participate in, a place to do exactly what the Son asked us to do! I want a place where change is good, where progress is a community thing... I think Pastor Mike wants this too. The man seems to know what he's talking about and well studied.

I heard so many hopeful things today. Pastor Mike left my mind on two quotes from a man named Richard Baxter - a preacher from the 1660's!

Regarding the Church as a real community with real people who want real love to flow among them: "If they can see you love them, you can say anything to them". - Richard Baxter. Coming from a man who lived in the 1660's...thats pretty new age if you ask me. It's so true right? If we have a community that practices the love that our God shows then we should be able to teach or say anything to anyone within that collective. What? Whats that? We could - share? We could not be afraid of saying something to someone else because it wouldn't ruin our... status? I crave a church like that. I have experienced a lot of this at the BSU - why not a church?

Regarding our commission as the Church, Richard Baxter also said this: "I preached as never sure to preach again. And as a dying man to the dying men". If only the determination in this man's words would power me forever.. I'd take over the world (using only my good powers to the advantage of the oppressed, of course). As never sure to preach again... dying man to dying men - so poetic! So reflective of Jesus Christ.

I'd like to try Grace Bible again next sunday. I still have some reservations - I only saw one woman up on stage at a singular moment and I just wonder what they believe on women in leadership... I am always quick to judge but sometimes things seem too good to be true.

Yuck - I must get back to my studies.

DEEP FREEZE!

2009-01-14T20:19:00.000-08:00

Is MO trying to compensate for global warming or something? I hate this! Windchill of -25 degrees?! I'm moving back to the Philippines...not that I was ever there but I need me some EQUATOR. They even cancelled school for my hometown without snow or rain - just 'cause its sooo cold! Whatever. I'm staying in bed...unless of course, anyone is willing to take me to the beach because I'd be outta bed in a jiff! Hawii, Tahiti, Polynesia... I'll take it.

Mizzou 107 : Colorado 62.. WHAT? I mean, I'm happy but I'm a little surprised. Seems like things are starting to look up for a change.

I had the chance to play my mother's piano again today. I wish that I had one :) I think I don't realize how much I miss it until I get the chance to just sit down and enjoy it. I worked on picking out a couple of my favorite songs and it also gave me some inspiration. I'll have to find a piano to play when I get back to Columbia. I don't think the Clavinova at the BSU is working anymore - and I hate playing on keyboards anyway. I guess I shouldn't be so picky - I mean its not like I have one anyway! There is just nothin like playing on a beautiful baby grand with the gravity of real keys pulling on your fingers. I'm such a dork.

In effort to make my blog less "random" and more "interesting".. I'm looking up interesting facts about today. So, here it goes:

TODAY, WEDNESDAY 14th, IN HISTORY...
- L.L Cool J's Birthday!
- Jason Batemen's Birthday (Arrested Development)
- 1952 NBC's Today show premiered
- 1970 Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their last show together at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada
- 1960 in Nurnburg, Germany the clarinet was invented (yay for band geeks like me!)
- 1956 Little Richard releases that wonderful classic.."Tutti Frutti"
-1980 Blues Brothers movie with Dan Akwroyd and John Belushi opens

... Thats all I got. And - I realize, I just tried to make my blog less random with...randomness. I can't ever win.

World of Warcraft, Tuesday - January 13th

2009-01-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

Again, technically its the 14th, but I'm up late like I shouldn't be so this is my January 13th entry.

Apparently this game is pretty addictive...my boyfriend has been playing World of Warcraft since I've been gone on my little trip to KC. In fact, I think thats all he's been doing. It seems pretty cool - you can play with friends, finish quests, and it looks like they just keep adding lands and stuff so its practically endless. It costs 10$ a month so I'm sure the makers are happy with it :). There is a 10 day free trial which is good - but not good if you get addicted 'cause then you WANT to pay the 10$.

My boyfriend just commented on my randomness of blogging - I know I am a random blogger - but just for the time being. Once I get in a study things will be a little more directed than just my arbitrary thoughts.

It's good to be home again...I had tons of fun with the girls but 5 hour car rides kind of make me homesick. It was wonderful to get away to a "neutral" (as my roomie called it) place where life wasn't thrown at you in all different directions. I am so thankful for friends who let me use their home for get away days :). I had the chance to just sit down and play the piano when I got home, so that was nice.

Ugh - something disturbing... I was watching American Idol tonight with my parents and I almost threw up a little. There was this chick who decided it would be just DANDY to wear her too-small bikini to auditions. She sang okay but it was obvious that she knew her body would get her a little further than her voice. Way to broaden the horizon of female stereotypes, jerk. I'm not sure if I should be disgusted by her thought process or just saddened by it. Of course I don't know the whole story, but who told her that giving in to such defiling manners were moral? Who keeps letting her think that success is sexcess? I hate it. I hate that baby girls who are watching this "family" show are going to start performing in their bathing suits because thats how american idols do it. I really like the show, but I'm still disappointed with the content. I know - nothing is perfect, I'm not perfect - supposedly I'm still loved so I probably shouldn't be so "conservative (yeah, because I'm the most conservative person you'll ever meet..) but REALLY there is room for improvement people. It doesn't have to be that way. Maybe she can see that there is a better way to express herself throughout the show - I'm supposed to be more positive right?

I looked up this orphanage in the Philippines today - it seems that they are in need of some help! I e-mailed a coordinator and I can't wait to hear back. The website is www.kidsim.org if you feel like checking it out. The organization actually has 2 orphanages and a school, and they have lots of info about the kids and which ones are up for adoption. The woman who led me to the link said that they could use any type of service, even if its just holding babies in the nursery :). I'm praying that this is the door God has opened for me this summer, I am also praying that I don't screw it up. I have a tendency to do that.

I can't handle it...

2009-01-12T17:24:00.001-08:00

OK sooooo right now I'm sitting on my friends couch and we're watching The Bachelor. It's cute I guess... but I almost can't handle it. 15 women trying to impress one dude.. I mean its sweet..He's a single dad, attractive, seems sweet... but 15 girls?! Overwhelming. Ew! and he kisses like..ALL of them. No thanks. *sigh* its just too much. It just seems wrong to me lol. I couldn't even handle living in Jones with all the girls and their hairspray. Bridget is getting really sad right now because we told her they hire some actresses to create drama. She told us we ruined her bachelor experience.
I would HATE to have so many cameras too... but the house is gorgeous :)

I just saw the funniest M'M commercial.

*sigh* Not much insight today - I feel a little bland. Did some shopping, did some eating.. did pretty much nothing productive! I think it will be nice to be back in CoMo and have a schedule (I might be taking that back here in a while). It'll be REALLY good to go back and be in a Bible Study. I don't seem to be able to handle it by myself. I guess it's because I still don't know where to start this year. Sleeping in and doing everything I want (which is not a lot) is probably not so beneficial to my disciplines.

Gotta admit, the bachelor has really great date ideas.

January 11th

2009-01-12T00:07:00.000-08:00

It’s technically the 12th, but I haven’t gone to bed yet so I’m going to make this my January 11th entry. It’s sort of been a long day… drove to Columbia, repacked, drove to KC, walked around the plaza with the girls, ate dinner, ate ice cream, talked, talked, talked. AND NOW… we’re watching one of my favorite movies – She’s the Man. HILARIOUS. I mean… I’ve probably seen it 15 times by now (and quote it of course)…still funny. If you haven’t seen it – YOU SHOULD. Amanda Bynes – used to not like her – but it’s so great! She ends up dressing up like her brother to be on a soccer team… it’s as terrible as imaginable.

Sebastian! SEBASTIAN!

I’m pretty sure my sister Audrey was going to be named Sebastian if she was a boy… or at least that’s what my dad says. My dad also let me believe (since I was like eight) that he was color blind and yet able to paint these beautiful landscape paintings “just by using the labels on the paint tubes”. Oh… and pork rinds were perfectly healthy. I wonder what other truths my father passed along to me ☺.

Again, I gotta stop watching TV while blogging. Completely distracting. I can’t seem to pass along my lifetime of knowledge. Bro. Brothers. Brethren.

TOMORROW – I think we’re going shopping at ZonaRosa and then my niece’s basketball game. I hardly ever get to see her or her sister…or her mom for that matter. It’s hard – my nieces aren’t much younger than me but they have lived like 5 hours away most of my life. So now that I’m old enough to be more of a real aunt – it kind of just seems too late. I hope not. I do love them.

I can’t focus when it’s really late, and I’m watching something hilarious.

Favorite Quote from this movie : “Be a man! Rub some dirt in it”.

My hands HURT!

2009-01-09T20:27:00.000-08:00

OK so... it's been four days of working out (lifting - which I hate...) so far. I'm pretty sure I'm getting calluses on my palms and it makes me feel kind of unfeminine... but I know it's good for me. My boyfriend told me I should buy myself a pair of gloves IF I finish out the week :). I think it's a good idea. I've never been against retail therapy. I don't feel strong yet (not that I ever have haha) but I hardly EVER lift so my "mind" feels a little stronger.

I feel like it's only a few more restful days before school starts making me crazy again - and that kind of makes me crazy. I'm already stressing out and I know I shouldn't be. I just keep telling myself I've got plenty of time to be organized and start fresh - and start STRONG at the beginning of the semester. I always only seem to find the "umfph?" to make better grades halfway into the semester. Gotta do better. Must do better.

I realize that this is probably a boring blog, but it's mine and I'm to stick to my guns right?

Blogging while watching TV is not the best idea. Perhaps some sleep would be better.

Bummer! My computer is DEAD!

2009-01-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

She died in my lap just 15 minutes ago.. *sigh* so much life to live, so much lack of plug in to energize her. Luckily, my parents have a fair enough computer I will borrow for the time being.

MAN. I'm kinda ticked! I hate when I get to a place where I can sit down and type and all the things that I've thought of throughout the day have gone out the window. So many thoughts. So many ideas! Its simply aggrivating. I guess that's what I get for slacking off the past couple of days.

I went back to CoMo for a couple of nights to help a friend with a promotion of a Vision retreat ( the BSU has recently begun putting on conferences for high schoolers around the area - I'm quite proud to be somewhat involved! ). It was fun - I feel for the kids though. I honestly hated high school - I guess maybe I just didn't have a good "experience". I imagine most of it was my fault...I felt that no one liked me and so they probably didn't. I can't dwell on that though - I'm a different person now. I hate getting so caught up in what has been because it just drains the life out of me! I don't want those kids to feel like I did though. I felt left out because I don't think anyone (besides my loving parents of course) really wanted to take the time to get to know me or see any type of potential.

Thats also probably a reason I have some grudges that I can't seem to wipe from my slate. I'm trying.. I'm really trying to just let go of those who I feel should have really taken the time to get to know me better.. and my "if only's" can only be repeated so many times... I don't want those students to think that they are useless too. I'm so glad I've been able to be a part of a community of people who feel the same way. The guys and girls that put on these things are amazing. AMAZING. Every heart is checked and passes with flying colors in my eyes - they give up so much time and effort just so that kids around the area can have some fun and feel the love of God! There's nothing like it you know, the feeling of the love of God. I get chills when I'm able to stand with my friends and watch what God does through these retreats - they are a blessing for those who serve in them too. That kind of passion gives me hope for the future, and blinders from the past that so easily distracts me.

I'm starting to feel the stress of school upon my shoulders already, and I still have about 2 weeks of vaca left! I have to study for this calculations exam for nursing school - it's at SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING on THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.. so I think that's pretty lame. I guess I understand though - we have to take these things and pass every semester so we might as well get it over with. My room is kind of a mess because I gave my desk away - I'd really like to get that organized before I get into classes. Books, payments, schedules - little stuff but kinda BIG at the same time. I know things will be fine - I'd just really like to not screw up so much this semester haha~! Lord help us all.

I do feel a change in the wind - something big. We shall see.

I'm embarrassed...

2009-01-07T20:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so apparently I missed a day and I didn't even know it! I guess thats what happens when you come back to CoMo :) I've sorta missed it! I'm havin a little fun with some friends. I will make up for my lost post later!

BTW : Ratio of people who think my hair makes me look older:younger

5:2

ugghhh.....

2009-01-05T12:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. I HATE being sick. Luckily my mother still likes to baby me and both her and my boyfriend are quite good at giving me all the attention I need :) I can't believe I'm sick AGAIN but it does leave me a lot of time to ponder. I was looking for a place to start studying the bible today -I never feel like I'm starting right - but I was flipping through it and a card from the beginning of last semester fell out. I think it's a card I received at the beginning of the semester at a girls night we usually have in CoMo. On the card, I had written a verse ( Col 3:12) and a note to myself that said, "I will not waste my life by having useless conversations, lifeless relationships, and empty actions that buffer me from being a gentle, loving, catalyst for others". Wow. It's been a long while since I felt so confident in myself. It's not that I don't want that - it just seemed to fizzle throughout the semester. I decided to look up the verse too...

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. (13) Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (14) And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Colossians 3:12 - 14

Have I done this? Have I truly done this lately? Not sure. I guess if I'm not sure, that probably means I haven't. The words in these verses seem so whole, so wonderful in my mind - if only I could achieve such things! To put on such garments would make me more beautiful than any make-up or designer jean could.

Forgive as the Lord forgave me - I feel like I could never do that because he is so perfect and I am so not... but why couldn't I try? I have plenty of people I wish would forgive me. Why not forgive those like I should? I wonder exactly why I let such negative things come into my head. My mind is so troublesome - but I know this for sure - my God can do anything. Sometimes I feel so cheesy saying that - like a TV evangelist or the so-called "bible-thumper" - but its so true!

And over all this - put on love - which binds them together in perfect unity. Unity. What we desire most. I love how God is so - so many words I can't even choose one. He's so wonderful. Grand. Perfect. He put this beautiful connection together for us. If we can love others - we are also loving him! So self-sufficient! So utterly full of grace that he would tell us what we could do to please him! So forgiving! So patient! It's like in the lyrics that I posted yesterday - all of these words would never be enough to describe the wonders of our God.

This is an excellent time for me to start putting on the right clothes. New year, new resolutions, and a new outlook on life. I will not waste my life by having useless conversations, lifeless relationships, and empty actions that buffer me from being a gentle, loving catalyst for others. I will clothe myself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. With love, all these things can be unified, for my one and only Savior.

I'm a war of head verses heart, it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart it speaks, before I know what It will say..

2009-01-04T18:56:00.001-08:00

I must be an abrasive person. I don't know why, but it seems that I always been this way. I feel like it's hard for me to make any kind of lasting platonic friendship, at least a close one anyway. There are just some people who get under my skin. I saw one today that just made me absolutely nervous. We were not on good terms before, but I apologized a long time ago and tried to let it go... it just seems like my apology wasn't enough. Maybe it wasn't sincere enough, or maybe I just suck at apologies... at any rate - I didn't feel the love today. I really have lifted my grudge a lot against this person, but for some reason it just made me sick to my stomach. I don't like feeling like people hate me - but I guess I'm sort of getting used to it. I'm trying, I really am. I know that God loves me and I know that I can love those who don't love me back but I just can't help but feel like I'm a complete failure in that area.

I wish I could apologize to anyone I've ever hurt. If anyone reads this silly little blog then this applies to you too! I feel like I'm finally learning how to love. Don't get me wrong, my parents are perfect examples of how to love, but it's sort of something you have to learn on your own too. I'm sorry to those who let me learn by experience that love isn't all about me.

I feel like I've learned so much within the past two years, much more than I have my whole life and yet I still just feel like a baby. Dependent, unable to walk, unable to exist without the love of another. Thank heavens I have THE One who loves me no matter how abrasive I am.

I wish I had gentle eyes. Soft eyes. My sister Amanda has soft eyes - even when her children are sort of driving her nuts she has soft eyes. It's beautiful. She can be getting on to them she does it in a way that is perfect. I'm jealous. I have raging black hole eyes that cause people to run away from me. Sometimes fire pops out of them. Scary. I'm not soft, I'm not tender, I'm not constant, I'm not even stable sometimes. I'm better about my anger than I was before - but I think I have a lot more to accomplish before my eyes look anything like that. Eyes tell a lot.

I heard a song today that I haven't heard in such a long time. It reminded me of how I feel when I realize I don't deserve God and his love. His insane love of this big-headed, scary-eyed, bad at grammar and most everything else little girl. Lyrics: (as well as I can remember them, it's been a while since I've heard it)

So High

These are just words,

and are not enough,

to contain you.

Father just words,

could never suffice,

to attain you (?)

Father just words,

And I have so few,

I run out too fast,

to speak them to you,

father just words,

And I have so few,

I run out too fast,

to speak them to you

And you are indescribable,

you are beyond expression,

and I run out of words for you,

I can't think that high,

So hear my spirit groan in me,

a painful sense of urgency,

to tell you that you are to me,

so high...

Day 3....

2009-01-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

AHH! I'm thoroughly angry! The game that I told my parents to get was not the same game I had played before - I don't like it. It's boring. I hope I'm able to take it back - or else I'm 50 bucks out!

This morning I had the wonderful chance to go and ZUMBA with a couple of my sisters and my mom. ZUMBA is this workout that is based on latin dance and music - and really fun! It's also very easy to see exactly how uncoordinated I am with all those mirrors around the dance floor. I imagine I'll be sore tomorrow... I pretty much thought my family members were going to pass out one by one...what a workout. I'm glad I went though - it was really fun to just get out and do something with the ladies. Usually my dad and my bro-in-laws always go golfing and we stay at home with the kids whenever my family comes in. I think this was a good change for a bit.

I finished the first twilight book today - 3 days, not bad. It was surprisingly addictive. I can't help it - I like the fantastical. I hear the movie isn't as good - they never are. Stephenie Meyer is good at making it an easy read - something different than I'm used to (stupid text books!).

I am planning on getting my hair chopped off on tuesday, and giving it to locks4love again. I have yet to find a picture I like to show the stylist, but I'm hoping to find one before then. I know, short hair - probably not the best idea. Last time I cut my hair (...the summer after I graduated high school?) I looked like my brother aaaand I kind of looked like Mulan. I also was associated with a small boy from the jungle raised by wolves - MOWGLIE was NOT a nickname I enjoyed so much. I can't help that I'm sort of brown with dark hair and my eyebrows are all out of control. I can't help that. BUT.. hopefully I will get some layers this time, and some bangs to cover my 5-head. I have about 10 inches to give at least. It will be a nice change and a lot easier to take care of when I'm bustling about the hospital. Maybe I'll put some before and after pictures up :)

I'm SUPER stoked about next semester. I begin my rotation with OB, and then finish with MedSurg - with a little geriatrics mixed in there somewhere. I should probably check my schedule soon...I don't exactly know what I've gotten myself into.

Happy Day after New Years!

2009-01-02T20:07:00.001-08:00

Hmmm.. What to write about... How I feel at the moment?...What I did today?... my addiction to ellipses?...

Today was fun - I got to spend a lot of time with family I don't get to see often. I love them. I am so blessed. Some of my family think they are crazy - or maybe that I am - but I don't care I love them anyway.

For some reason I don't feel like I can write about much - My thoughts aren't even organized enough to get them all down.

Brothers on a Hotel Bed - DeathCab4Cute AMAZING song! It gives me peace.

Dad bought a new game called Raving Rabbids for the Wii- I'm gonna go try it out and maybe my thoughts will come easier later :)

Happy New Year! 2009...

2009-01-01T15:03:00.000-08:00

I was worried this morning. I woke up with the sun beaming on my skin - but it felt more like God's eyes burning into my soul than a cheerful wake up. Guilt is a heavy blanket - and I wanted to stay in bed all day. Somehow this year wasn't what I expected and of course I didn't meet the standards I so confidently put in front of myself. Guilt of failure, guilt of sin, .. I have sewed myself a guilt quilt and for some reason it feels comfortable - typical me. I'm tired of it.

As a new year rolls in, so do many new resolutions. Not gonna lie - I think I do it every year and throughout my 20 years of life I don't think I've kept a single one of them. I want this year to be different (excuse the cliche-ness). Seriously. I'm such a list person - I think I'll make a list.

New Year Resolutions - in no particular order except the order that they came to my mind...

- -SIMPLIFY!

- -Blog every day - I think this would help me be more disciplined about my thoughts and maybe my bible study...I'd like to be more accountable for the way I treat the word of God.

- -Finish the 5 paintings I have in my head and have kind of drawn out

- -Read 12 books - one book per month! I'm hoping to exceed this by a lot. I've already jumped on the bandwagon with those darn twilight books - I like to be in the know. They aren't too terrible!

- -Regain the muscle memory of playing the piano.

- -Go on a mission trip - since I have been saving up for one! I would really like to go on another medical mission - but I'm having a hard time finding a place to go. So, if I can't find a place to go by April - I'm going to use the money I've saved up to sponsor a World Vision Child.

- -Go to a DeathCab4Cutie concert. Or Copeland - I would definitely take that.

- -Sew myself a dress and a purse to match with my new Christmas gift - a sewing machine!

- -Don't be embarrassed because I am 20 years old and I crochet, and own a sewing machine.

- -WORK OUT- can't leave this guy out. My goal is to be happier with my physical attributes by my birthday. I'm not talkin magazine worthy - even though it wouldn't hurt - but I'd just like to not feel weak anymore. Helloooo Rec Center - Goodbye Pathetic excuse for an athlete. March 26th, here we come.

- -Stop missing breakfast - its so unhealthy!

- -Keep up with my birthday calendar. I feel like a horrible aunt because sometimes I don't remember my nieces and nephews birthday!!

- -Work on my grammar and spelling. I'm sure this blog is a disaster. DISASTER.

- -Attend all... most of... all classes that are necessary.

- -Make better grades 6th semester than 5th semester. Organization will help.

- -Get Organized!

Studying: Actually, last semester wasn't bad at all - I did a lot better with my study sessions but I would benefit from working harder. Sorry BSU library - you are too distracting.

House: I HAVE GOT TO MAKE A CLEANING SCHEDULE. Its driving me nuts.

Room: Get rid of my junk-stuff (as dad would call it) - I have too many clothes, and waaay to many nic-naks on my desks. Yes. I have two desks. I should probably downsize in that area too. I want a place for painting, and where I can organize all my crafts and sewing. I want to feel like i'm not living in a constant monsoon of STUFF. I want to finish decorating too!

- -Put away my christmas decor in an organized fashion instead of just shoving it somewhere. Also, I'd like to have this done by valentines day - haha I'm such a procrastinator!

- -Have at least 2 Lia Sophia parties per month, if not more. What a fun business!

- -Put my coffee night plan into action. I seem to get a lot done when I go to a local coffee shop to study - that combined with friends is always so much fun! I'd like to make it a tradition. At least every two weeks I want to meet a friend for coffee and study. Simple - but so enjoyable!

I'm sure there are more that I've thought of before , and maybe I'll add to my list but since I'm also trying to simplify - I'll stick with this list for now. Time to eat dinner!

Politics Shmolotics

2008-10-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

...that's how I've felt about this whole election 08'. Although SNL does a great job of making me laugh about it...It hasn't even passed and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Everyone has their opinions, everyone knows who they are voting for and their reasons for doing so. Everyone thinks they are right, and everyone else is wrong. Messy.

Is it is a sin to be unpatriotic?

God has shown me something about my opinion in the past week or so.

I've decided practice my right NOT to vote. (I have that right... don't I?) At first, my decision came because I hate all politics. I'm not good at arguing, I'm not all filled in on all the information, and I'm certainly not good at making choices - especially when its picking "the lesser of two evils", as I've heard this election called. I wouldn't say I call myself a pacifist, but I'm not fond of large-scale confrontation. Then, the decision was kind of because I'm forgetful and haven't gotten my absentee ballot - but then again I didn't try too hard to find it.

Its not because I don't think that even though this system is flawed, my vote can't make a difference. I mean - lots of institutions work with their imperfections - we're human - we can't make anything perfect. I guess I just feel like there is a choice that I prefer more...

I feel like God has told me - "Adriene, no matter what state your location may be in, you still have the chance to show my love, my grace, my undying love to the people around you. So what if everyone thinks their country is falling to pieces - I use broken people remember? I look for the lost, not the found. I love them. You see those people in distant lands who are so on fire for me? I want that where you are."

Whether our economy gets better, or bottoms out like a dried up well - my opportunity to follow the great commission has not changed. I'm still called to love the homeless, plead for the widow, and help heal the sick. Even if I don't get to use my car (since I am one of the lucky 8% of the world's population who actually has one) - I can follow God. If I have to start growing my own veggies - I can follow God. If I can't grow my own veggies because I was not blessed with a green thumb - I can follow God.

I was reading out of Ezekiel 37 today. A valley of dry bones - brought to life before the prophet's very eyes. A symbolic tale depicting Israel coming back to life. Hopeless. Cut off. Brought back from the grave. "And then you will know I am the Lord".

I've seen it in my own life. God is so majestic. That's all I could think about when I read this over and over again. It didn't even scare me - I was in awe of my heavenly father - and I was so happy because that hasn't happened for a long time.

Is it possible for that to happen again? A nation brought back to life? A nation who KNOWS that HE is the Lord? A lofty dream maybe, but a prayer that won't be taken off my list. If not a nation like we know them now, but a people maybe? A people who returns to their first love?

All I know, is that I can't deny him right now, and I love it.

So Bored!!

2008-09-08T07:49:00.001-07:00

OKAY so.. I know.. I'm a terrible blogger. I'm one of THOSE people who have too much to say but can never get it all down so it ends up being all mixed up and confusing. To top it all off..I rarely get on here! It's not that I don't want to...it just seems like life moves too fast for me.

I'm sitting in the nursing building right now, waiting for my next class to start (I've been in the same room for the past two weeks - it looks smaller and smaller every day. Boredom overcomes me.

I've been really excited about starting this year - new classes, new people, new attitude. Last week's RealLife was stressful..but I'm glad I did it. Being honest from the get-go is hard to do - and so is being transparent enough for people to see your weaknesses. I pray that our authenticity is fruitful to our ministry though. FFG's start up this week, as do small groups. Maybe my small group will let me practice measuring blood pressure.. my roomies are probably already getting tired of me practicing on them :). Good Roomies :)

I got up and ran this morning..it felt good! I'm pretty sure I'll feel the effects of it in about an hour or so. I always feel better when I have the afternoon to study or do whatever I want instead of thinking about and procrastinating my workout.

I've been looking up info on a mission trip to the Philippines. You know, a "finding my roots" kind of trip! There is a missionary there who actually pastored my hometown church in Potosi. Bro. Don Newsom. I should probably be applying for VSM or something like that soon - I just want to go so bad!

Ugh..class

Write later!!

sigh

2008-08-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

Moved to a new place...still messy. No internet for a while.

Everyone around me is either pregnant, getting married, already married, or a mixture of these things.

My sister was nice enough to give me a facial today - and also let me see all the black heads AND white heads on my face through a black light - I'm thoroughly disgusted.

What a weird mood I'm in!

A little upset.. and awake.

2008-07-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

So, I've been studying for this exam I have tomorrow morning at 10... and decided that I'd go to sleep as soon as possible. 10 PM I closed my eyes...I guess my body feels like an hour and a half is enough to suffice me through the night. It was like a nap. I just want some sleep.

I feel like I will hate myself In the morning.

Sometimes I just think about things too that wake me up. Literally.

Sin - I just don't understand why its so okay in my mind when I'm commiting it, and why there is a delay of guilt ..kinda? Or its like I know its coming but I don't seem to care. I have this false reality that I'm not going to be affected by it. WRONG. I always am. Just like sleeping in way too much and not being able to sleep at night. No matter how much I like to claim that I can sleep through anything my body plays tricks on me and acts like I can't.

Now I just keep thinking that there is no hope for me and this exam.

Am I normal for thinking that God punishes me through my grades? Is that normal? I can't help but think - there I go again, thats gonna cause me a bad grade. It may sound ridiculous and I sometimes hope it is but I really think that a lot. I mean - does God really care what my grades are? Ick. I feel ugly all over. Just like my run-on sentences. I always overcompensate for those too.

Is it possible for me to be positive EVER?

KC

2008-07-19T08:40:00.001-07:00

What fun! Came to see Brenna this weekend in her DELUX apartment for her internship. Its pretty grand...and came fully stocked. Right now we are just veggin out on the couch watching HGTV and planning our duplex for next semester. We went to The Plaza last night (which is like a 3 minute walk away from her) and ate at The Cheesecake Factory. It feels pretty good just to relax before the crazy couple of weeks I know will be CRAZY. I gotta finish up my class, start up our electricity and water, organize a whole bunch of things..ehh. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my time with my friend and worry about it when the day comes.

Tic Toc Tic Toc

2008-07-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

Soooo... as I sat and waited on my class to begin, I looked at my last post and realized it was quite incoherent. I guess I just get so excited sometimes I can't stop typing and it just turns out to be rambles..which is okay I guess since its just a blog.

Class in my own room - kinda interesting..but obviously hard to pay attention. I'm really worried about this class. It has definitely been the hardest class I've ever taken - and I might have to take it again. I'm over not getting all A's. I'm over getting all B's. I think I'd like to stop there but honestly, I'm just trusting God to take the wheel on this one - which is also a problem because lately, I haven't been giving him anything at all. What is it with me? Failure should be my middle name.

I feel like my summer is just slipping through my fingers. I've had a lot of fun so far but still I feel like I haven't done anything at all. After my trip - it's like I haven't existed! I don't always feel like this - maybe just now.

I haven't packed up anything yet to move..I finally just got everything I need to do written down on my calendar! I hear life doesn't slow down - until you get osteoporosis and you have to be slow or else you break a hip. Start taking your calcium ladies - we have a greater risk of getting it!

I have learned a lot in this class - its pretty interesting...if only it wasn't 10 weeks long- maybe i'd remember something. I think my next task should be learning how to write more professionally. I did okay in high school with English... but obviously my vocabulary isn't a smidgen bigger, and the grammar well ... I like to use a lot of ellipticals.

Guess I should get back to class.

Happy In-dependence day?

2008-07-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm worried. I'm quite worried - about some people who are close to me. I love them dearly but there are just some things I don't understand! If I had the guts I would yell and SCREAM and beg for understanding of their actions. I think the weight of how much money rules our world - our minds - just dropped on me, or maybe its been like rocks added to my chest very slowly, so much that I cannot breathe. Taxes, loans, luxury - no wonder Jesus talked about money so much! Why does it make us feel so free when we have it, and locked down when we don't? I mean I guess thats an obvious question - I just can't help but ask it. I know some people have great intentions - like doing things for the community but I am quick to judge their ability to do so in a righteous manner (I know, quick to judge, quick to be judged). It's so difficult.

There is a hole that we are stuck in. Artistic men and women are free to express themselves here - but how do you keep doing that when such little money is made (or so we think). What if you want to open some type of community art appreciation (because I believe my creator fabricated us to be imaginative and creative) but you can't do that with out support? Money, Money, Money. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

I am not independent. Not at all. Even my cells depend on the creator who made me. I suffer to breathe. I fully appreciate being born in a country who's theme is land of the free and home of the brave - and I'm a firm believer in a country turning itself around (cause ah-hem..God can do anything, even for Wal-america). But of course, doubt assails my every thought. I have so many ideas that I think have potential, and that could be worth something to someone someday. I keep getting these sticks thrown at me though. I know that there are some who are ashamed of both what the church has done like not standing up or taking credit for any mistakes, and I know that there are some who would like to burn our own government because they think it is flawed beyond repair. But isn't that how we all are? Must we be anti-chruch anti-american anti whatever?? What happend to hope? What happened to trusting and FULLY believing and PLEADING with God to change things? Did not God bring the most disgusted to his side? Did he not have an adulter and a murderer for the apple of his eye? God loves the broken! We are broken! We are NOT independent of ANYTHING. I won't give up hope for this country. I can't believe that focusing on how NOT to be american and how NOT to be patriotic would be a better use of time than helping our sick, our poor, right out of our own homes instead of blaming a government. Just do it! Just do whatever it is that you can to help others - even the least of them.

I know people will criticize me. They will say you know nothing of politics, or how the church is supposed to be ran. You are "pseudo rebel" against the "evils" of this world. But I don't care. I think the best way to resolve hate is with love, fights with reconciliation, disease - prevention and education! I may not be the most outspoken knowledgeable person to speak of politics and church administration and its true I flake out on lots of chances to "show the world what I'm made of" but this I know. I will hold firm to the rock that keeps me anchored... I trust He knows what is best. I am in dependence of him - and thats the way I like it. Sometimes I think people need to remember that. If you want to make the world a better place, don't joke about how being patriotic is a sin - would you go to a foreign country and make an uproar if their flag was risen higher than a christian flag? NOT if you want to love them dearly. There is a difference between critique and ridicule. And you know what? God loves every human being more than the pieces of cloth we adhere to - even those that burn them.

My heart aches. I want to see change but I feel so inadequate. I want to keep learning because thats what I love to do but I hate myself when I can't learn to love those who don't want to learn! No wonder Solomon was so depressed in some of his writings (Solomon I think? Nothing new under the sun, something about even if I built the greatest kingdom my son would just destroy it?) - having knowledge is so stressful! Maybe thats why some people want to keep themselves from learning new things. They WANT to stay in the dark so they don't have to worry about it. I mean hey - thats how I am with Chemistry and Math - gross.

I just want to cry. I do not know what to say to these people. What do I say to someone who probably thinks they know tons more than me - and maybe they do? I just see a path of destruction! I see fiery passion in them but past that I see emptyness. I don't see love. I don't. These are people who I look up to in so many ways. I see it all around me the more I think about it. Who am I to say to them "you are making a mistake!" Do not be discouraged because you are young - well thats REALLY HARD. How do you confront someone with love who thinks that they are confronting a problem the right way - but it just looks so wrong to you? Am I doing the same? I don't feel empty - I feel quite full to the brim actually - full with some sort of mixture of anticipation and fear, and worry and just...ANGER! I don't know how to show anger in love...or do i? Is this how it feels?

My sister Amanda brought me a book that she had been reading with some of her fellow church members called "ekklesia"- to the roots of biblical house church life. I can't sleep - and I'm pretty sure anyone who would read this blog would quit before this paragraph because I verbally vomit from them mouth often - so I'm going to start it. Aaaaaaand maybe write a little about my trip :)

Also.. I want to be in the Olympics.

Random.

Wow so I'm so behind!!!!!

2008-06-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know its been like a couple weeks since I got back from El Salvador, and I haven't put up a blog post, or facebook pictures (um because ITS BEING STUPID!!!!) and I just haven't had much time because I'm studying my brains out! But I have so many things in my mind so I'll put them up ASAP.

Just got back from the lake (Pomme de Terre?) or something of that nature with my roomies Stormie and Brittney! It was probably the best thing for me. We slept in, went out on the boat, layed out, and read a lot of books! I got a lot of studying done so I feel pretty accomplished. We watched a lot of tv and movies too :)

I can't stand that I still have so much more studying to do :S I know I wanted to take this online class and hopefully I pass it but things are starting to look gloomy. If I can just get my schedule back in line I'll feel much better. Its like I planned my whole semester for El Salvador and now that I'm back - I'm lost! My calendar is blank but I KNOW there are some major things I need to start filling in.

Me and the roomies talked a lot about this coming year at the BSU on leadership - I'm super excited about the potential - especially because of all the steps we made last year. I felt for a while that maybe I wasn't needed there anymore, or that it was useless for me to get involved anymore because I didn't feel like I added anything. I think I was just at a slum in the year, I am scared because I always feel like I am a failure, but I really think we can do great things this year! I thank God for Brittney Victory and Stormie Dorrell every day because they truly have been some of my best friends since I came here to Columbia, and have been faithful ever since.

So much I still have in my mind, but I need to get going - so I guess I'll write more later!!!!

I'm Ready..

2008-06-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

to go!...almost...

I've been an a tizzy for like the past 3 weeks, preparing for El Salvador, working, taking my online class (which is a lot more difficult than I imagined :( ), but I'm so ready to go!

I'm driving to Bethany's tonight - and we leave for El Salvador at 5:45 AM tomorrow. I've got to admit - I'm a little scared... I'm not sure why. I've been on planes, been on mission trips, but I guess this is my first medical one - and the first one that I hardly know anyone going! I mean I know Bethany of course, but not anyone else. It's going to force me to get out of my comfort zone and live the life. The anticipation is definitely getting overwhelming because I've been waiting all year for this!

We're supposed to have internet access at the hotel we're staying at so I'm going to try to keep in contact as much as I can - blogging will be a great way to get everything out! I think that I get to help the nurses out on the trip which is extremely exciting for me. If not, I'll help those doing VBS! which is always awesome because kids make me happy.

I tried to pack "light" - we'll see if my "light" is the airports "light".

I feel a little unhappy because my prayer life for this mission trip hasn't been what I've wanted it to. I mean I have been praying - so much about the impact we might make. But the actual time taken to really pray about this is not something I'm proud of. I guess maybe thats why I feel a little scared. I know that I am doing what God wants me to - I just really don't want to be lazy for him you know what I mean? I guess thats how I feel about life as a whole! I see so many people that are "living" for God - but really its more like "couchpotatoeing" (sp?) for him.

Father,

I need you. I need you to be with me. Every step. Give me humility to serve those around me. Give me the wisdom I need to do what you want me to. Give me the courage to use that wisdom when the time comes. Remind me to be a learner, because thats what I love to do. I know I have to study for my class while I'm gone, which is a bummer, but help me to remember that these things are important in my education, and I will use them for you some day. I pray that our team is ready and prepared for what lies ahead of us. Give us soft hearts for the people of El Salvador, give them soft hearts for you. I want them to see You through us, not just a bunch of Americans. Help us to live for you. And die for you. Thank you so much for the opportunity. Thank you for the family you gave me, and the prayers from them and friends that support me. I know it's a short trip, but Lord I know that every chance I get, even if it is a small one, is a chance to glorify you. I'm tired of messing up. I'm tired so give me the strength to make the right choices. Be with those that will be on the flight with us - even the trip there is a good chance to shine your light! I need you. I love you.

Adriene

Summer

2008-05-25T19:18:00.001-07:00

Bored. But not completely - I am still procrastinating all the things that probably should be done now, rather than later.

Bought some new Death Cab for Cutie cd's today - I love them! Their album PLANS really is awesome and touching.

I'm always discontent it seems. I'm never satisfied. There are things that I want to do that I can't, and there are things that I don't want to be involved in and yet I am. I'm not happy here in Potosi, but as soon as I get back to Columbia I probably won't be pleased either. I don't want to be like this either - so unhappy with the way things are. I feel so responsible and yet so helpless at the same time.

I get so aggravated when people give me advice for something that really had no purpose for what I was dealing with, or they get confused with what I am talking about and don't understand the real issue I'm dealing with. Its possibly because I suck at relaying how I feel in words, I'm working on it, really.. I am! I wish I was the kind of person that let things go easily too - I don't even need to bother worrying when its not that big of a deal right?

The "walk" has been slow lately - I should probably pick up the pace. Or actually take a step.

I have my good days - today wasn't one.

Possibly one of my favorite songs ever...

2008-05-22T22:32:00.000-07:00

Jars of Clay - Lovesong for a Savior

In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat
Or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust him
And learn how to see him
Someday he'll call her
And she will come running
Fall in his arms, the tears will fall down
And she'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Sitting silent wearing sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it
Goes to the people who stare into nowhere
Can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat
Or a song on her lips
Someday we'll trust him
And learn how to see him
Someday he'll call us
And we will come running
Fall in his arms
The tears will fall down and we'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Seems to easy to call you savior
Not close enough to call you a god
So as I sit and think of
Words I can mention to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with you

This was one of the first songs I ever fell in love with - It speaks so solidly to me about the way I am with Christ or at least how I want to be. All I want to do is fall in love with him. I really haven't gotten sick of it since I stole my sisters Jars of Clay CD like 10 years ago.

Song Lyrics

2008-05-08T10:37:00.001-07:00

Here is a song by Derek Webb - The lyrics just really seemed to pull me in :)

Like a man comes to an altar,
I came into this town,
With the world upon My shoulders
And promises passed down.
When I went into the water,
My Father, He was pleased.
I built it and I'll tear it down
So you will be set free.

Yes, and I found thieves and salesmen
Living in My Father's house.
And I know how they got in here,
And I know how to get 'em out.
Well, I'm turning this place over
From floor to balcony.
Then, just like these doves and sheep
Oh, you will be set free.

'Cause I have always been a lover
From before I drew a breath
Oh, and somethings I love easy
And some I love to death.
You see, love's no politician
'Cause it listens carefully
So from those who come,
I can't lose one,
So you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Go on and take My picture
Go on and make Me up
Oh, I'll still be your Defender
And you'll be My missing son
And I'll send out an army
Just to bring you back to Me.
'Cause regardless of your brothers' lies,
Oh, you will be set free.

Because I am My beloved's
And My beloved's Mine;
So, you bring all your history,
I'll bring the bread and wine.
Then we'll have us a party
Where all the drinks are on Me
And as surely as the rising sun
Oh, you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Celibacy?

2008-05-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so confused.

Lately I've been wondering about the issue of the gift of singleness, and who it's really intended for. It is one of my lowest achieving spiritual gifts, and yet I can't help thinking maybe that's changed since the last time I took a test having to do with spiritual gifts. (my first is the gift of learning :) )

I was utterly single last semester. I say utterly because it had been so long since I had not been in a relationship - and people actually asked how I was and not "where is you're other half". Not that that question is bad, I just realized that I was not a real person - I was pseudo-self if you will. That is what happens when you are in a relationship I realize, I mean a relationship, especially in marriage, two become one. But what happens when you start to think that one can do more for the Lord than two?

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how can he please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how can he please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned with the affairs of this world- how can she please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in the right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

The way Paul speaks about this subject to the Corinthians seems so true. I mean, from what I know, my walk with the Lord has been more stable when I'm fully leaning on him even when its out of sheer loneliness. I know that some people struggle horribly with the fact that one could live alone in this world. I am not saying that I don't, but I feel now that I would be okay alone. Maybe.

1 Corinthians 7:8

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

I think most would agree that this is true. I mean, God created a helper for Adam, because he was lonely. We were meant to be social, loving, caring, intimate creatures who form communities in which we are social, loving, caring, and intimate. Being a hermit is not the way to go - we are called to be interactive.

My questions are many of this subject. How do you know if God is telling you you are to be single for him? When do you know if this is for a certain time or for the rest of your life? How do you know thats not just a trap that your mind bends because "you aren't worthy of a companion". What happens if you just don't feel pulled any certain direction?

My mind usually doesn't stop reeling at night, so maybe this is just ridiculousness because the Lord gives to whom he wants to give, and gives us nothing we cannot handle right? I am such a control freak sometimes I just blow up when I can't see the way out of a situation.

I'm confused on what my calling is to do right now! Am I disobeying God if I am in a relationship and I feel like it is tugging at my relationship with Him? Am I just trying to deny what is right for me because I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice or miss out if I don't pursue a relationship? Am I scared because I have been brought up by a generation who denies their faults and doesn't answer questions or respond to christian intimacy? Sex is not bad - its God ordained. But should we keep far from it because it can easily entangle us even when we are married?Questions, Questions.

The books I've read on Christian dating are great, but there seems to be questions that cannot be answered except in one's own heart.

All I want to do is follow the right path, all I want is to do his will!

I feel like maybe it's not whether you choose to be single or in a relationship, but that its the relationship you keep with God that matters. I know plenty of wonderful God-loving couples who have done so much for me, my friends, and the world and yet I feel like the single christians that I know get more "credit".

Sometimes I feel terrible because I feel like this is an issue I shouldn't even be worried about. I still have 2 years of college left. Are my worries just useless? They are not deep social/political issues, they don't deal with the poor or war, but why does my mind contend with this over those right now?

All in all I guess I really just need to keep in mind at least these two verses:

Philippians 2:13

" For it is God who works in you to will and act according to his good purpose"

- As christians, we are willed to do good no matter what our status

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"

- well said.

First Blog Everr!!!

2008-04-16T19:43:00.001-07:00

So...it has taken me a while to actually get going on this "blogging" thingymajig. Tiff suggested it to me since I have troubles keeping my journal. I'm not real sure how this is going to work out, and since I'm so new to this any advice would be awesome!

Last semester I was in a bible study called Spiritual Disciplines. I could honestly say it changed my life - or at least my logic on life. I have lots of homework to do tonight still, so in order to at least get down what my mind is chasing, I'm going to make a list of things I'm thinking about and what I would like to expand upon later.

Last semester's theme word : Transparency

This semester's theme word : Progressiveness

Latest struggles - everyday bible study :(

Excitement for the future - Nursing School!

Latest CD - Sanctus Real - We Need Each Other

Lyrics that effect me

Verses that effect me

Daily tagalog word - I wish to gain fluency.

I hope to start blogging more and more often - It seems like a good way to organize thoughts and maybe keep me on track.

All for now - Magandang gabi (goodnight!)

AddieSimp