Lukewarm

I know, I know... my new year's resolutions are what you might say...a little delayed.

I honestly don't want to be doing this right now. I feel like I have a lot more that I could be doing. How fitting for the article I just read!

I just read "Stupid Things I Do" by Francis Chan, the pastor from Cornerstone Church and president of Eternity Bible College in Simi Valley. It's frighteningly close to what I have been feeling the past week.

In this article, Chan talks about how utterly busy life can get, and how we can just forget to love God. You might say,"Who forgets to love God?" but seriously - I know I'm knee deep in that right now. For some reason, I just can't get motivated like I used to. Chan tells about how he doesn't mean to forget to love God, he just does. We've all had those times where we clearly cannot deny who Jesus is and what he's done for us. Why is it that I do not think of that all the time? I've got class, leadership, deep relationships, other friendships, keeping in shape, eating right, getting enough sleep... I've got so much to do. I'm a failure at most of them too - and yet I can't remember my God when I'm supposed to.

NIV Revelation 2
-"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who clain to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you. You have forsaken your first love."

Its true. I've forgotten my first love. I can't remember the last time I just sat down and was in awe of my heavenly father. Francis Chan understands this too. This is a terrible problem because I, like he, am a leader. I feel it within me. I cannot deny what has been placed on me. Unfortunately Chan knew exactly what I was thinking when I read his next few comments.

"I FAKE PASSION WELL" There is no doubt that a lot of leaders are good leaders because of their ability to be passionate and deceiving at the same time. Chan asks, " If I asked those closest to you about your relationship with God, what would they say? If i were to ask God the same question, what would he say? If your family, friends, and congregation have better things to say about you than God, its because you give them that impression. We do this because we can. God gifted us with an ability to communicate. Too often we use this ability not to convey who we are but who we want others to think we are".

This is where I stand. I feel like I have been taking on so much stuff - Bible studies, dicipleships, leadership positions, singing in the band, raising money for missions, planning missions, inviting people to come to our weekly worship service.. I THINk that I'm doing it for God, but often times I think its because I feel pressured to do so.. its what I'm "supposed" to do so I do it. You wouldn't say no to any of these things if you were a God-loving Christian. That's just taboo. God knows my heart better than that.

"I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive but you are dead", says Jesus to the church in Sardis (Rev 3:1 NIV). It's how I feel. I feel like a zombie. I have motions, and they may even be motions driven out of me for the greater good, but lately I feel dead. No breath. No life. I have often been forgetting the whole point of why I do the things I do. Sad.

Chan found another papercut to pour lemon juice in. His next paragraph was about how he follows the people he leads. Chan hates to be rejected. So do I. It's difficult. Who wants to be an outsider? Who wants to know that people don't like them, maybe even a lot of people don't like them. Chan says that unfortunately he knows how to keep people from rejecting him and staying at the church, simply by being led by the wrong desires of the people. It's sad but true. I often just say yes to everything in order to make everyone happy. If I say no, I'd be a bad friend, a bad co-worker, a bad.. whatever I am.

"God calls us to give people what they need, based on his word, regardless of whether they stick around. Jesus led. Few followed, but he kept leading.

I can't forget that I do have a purpose. To glorify God - whether or not others like it! I can't glorify him if I'm constantly crabby and worn to the bone. I can't glorify him when ALL of my attention is going to 2094320 different things. I can't glorify him when I'm trying to make myself look like superwoman. I need a change!

In Rev. 3:14-22, Jesus says to the church of Laodicea that he will "spit out" the lukewarm church that they had become. Neither hot or cold are they - just gross middlewater that obviously is not welcomed by God. I don't know about you but I fear being lukewarm now. I think that I am getting there... I don't feel the heat of passion nor the cold of giving in to this world..but i'm getting dangerously close to the middle choice and the last.

In my prayers this week I will definitely be concentrating on renewing my faith, doing what is right, and leading the right way. I make mistakes, God knows that and so do others. I am looking to the future though. What better time than now to be with the one who loves me most? I want my attitude to change towards all the activities I insisted on being a part of this year. This is for my Lord, not me, not anyone else. I can't turn back now, I'm just going to try to keep swimming. I want my first love back.