I'm a war of head verses heart, it's always this way. My head is weak, my heart it speaks, before I know what It will say..

I must be an abrasive person. I don't know why, but it seems that I always been this way. I feel like it's hard for me to make any kind of lasting platonic friendship, at least a close one anyway. There are just some people who get under my skin. I saw one today that just made me absolutely nervous. We were not on good terms before, but I apologized a long time ago and tried to let it go... it just seems like my apology wasn't enough. Maybe it wasn't sincere enough, or maybe I just suck at apologies... at any rate - I didn't feel the love today. I really have lifted my grudge a lot against this person, but for some reason it just made me sick to my stomach. I don't like feeling like people hate me - but I guess I'm sort of getting used to it. I'm trying, I really am. I know that God loves me and I know that I can love those who don't love me back but I just can't help but feel like I'm a complete failure in that area. 

I wish I could apologize to anyone I've ever hurt. If anyone reads this silly little blog then this applies to you too! I feel like I'm finally learning how to love. Don't get me wrong, my parents are perfect examples of how to love, but it's sort of something you have to learn on your own too. I'm sorry to those who let me learn by experience that love isn't all about me. 

I feel like I've learned so much within the past two years, much more than I have my whole life and yet I still just feel like a baby. Dependent, unable to walk, unable to exist without the love of another. Thank heavens I have THE One who loves me no matter how abrasive I am. 

I wish I had gentle eyes. Soft eyes. My sister Amanda has soft eyes - even when her children are sort of driving her nuts she has soft eyes. It's beautiful. She can be getting on to them she does it in a way that is perfect. I'm jealous. I have raging black hole eyes that cause people to run away from me. Sometimes fire pops out of them. Scary. I'm not soft, I'm not tender, I'm not constant, I'm not even stable sometimes. I'm better about my anger than I was before - but I think I have a lot more to accomplish before my eyes look anything like that. Eyes tell a lot.

I heard a song today that I haven't heard in such a long time. It reminded me of how I feel when I realize I don't deserve God and his love. His insane love of this big-headed, scary-eyed, bad at grammar and most everything else little girl.  Lyrics: (as well as I can remember them, it's been a while since I've heard it)

So High

These are just words,

and are not enough,

to contain you.

Father just words,

could never suffice,

to attain you (?)

Father just words,

And I have so few,

I run out too fast, 

to speak them to you,

father just words, 

And I have so few,

I run out too fast, 

to speak them to you

And you are indescribable,

you are beyond expression,

and I run out of words for you, 

I can't think that high,

So hear my spirit groan in me, 

a painful sense of urgency,

to tell you that you are to me,

so high...