I'm worried. I'm quite worried - about some people who are close to me. I love them dearly but there are just some things I don't understand! If I had the guts I would yell and SCREAM and beg for understanding of their actions. I think the weight of how much money rules our world - our minds - just dropped on me, or maybe its been like rocks added to my chest very slowly, so much that I cannot breathe. Taxes, loans, luxury - no wonder Jesus talked about money so much! Why does it make us feel so free when we have it, and locked down when we don't? I mean I guess thats an obvious question - I just can't help but ask it. I know some people have great intentions - like doing things for the community but I am quick to judge their ability to do so in a righteous manner (I know, quick to judge, quick to be judged). It's so difficult.
There is a hole that we are stuck in. Artistic men and women are free to express themselves here - but how do you keep doing that when such little money is made (or so we think). What if you want to open some type of community art appreciation (because I believe my creator fabricated us to be imaginative and creative) but you can't do that with out support? Money, Money, Money. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
I am not independent. Not at all. Even my cells depend on the creator who made me. I suffer to breathe. I fully appreciate being born in a country who's theme is land of the free and home of the brave - and I'm a firm believer in a country turning itself around (cause ah-hem..God can do anything, even for Wal-america). But of course, doubt assails my every thought. I have so many ideas that I think have potential, and that could be worth something to someone someday. I keep getting these sticks thrown at me though. I know that there are some who are ashamed of both what the church has done like not standing up or taking credit for any mistakes, and I know that there are some who would like to burn our own government because they think it is flawed beyond repair. But isn't that how we all are? Must we be anti-chruch anti-american anti whatever?? What happend to hope? What happened to trusting and FULLY believing and PLEADING with God to change things? Did not God bring the most disgusted to his side? Did he not have an adulter and a murderer for the apple of his eye? God loves the broken! We are broken! We are NOT independent of ANYTHING. I won't give up hope for this country. I can't believe that focusing on how NOT to be american and how NOT to be patriotic would be a better use of time than helping our sick, our poor, right out of our own homes instead of blaming a government. Just do it! Just do whatever it is that you can to help others - even the least of them.
I know people will criticize me. They will say you know nothing of politics, or how the church is supposed to be ran. You are "pseudo rebel" against the "evils" of this world. But I don't care. I think the best way to resolve hate is with love, fights with reconciliation, disease - prevention and education! I may not be the most outspoken knowledgeable person to speak of politics and church administration and its true I flake out on lots of chances to "show the world what I'm made of" but this I know. I will hold firm to the rock that keeps me anchored... I trust He knows what is best. I am in dependence of him - and thats the way I like it. Sometimes I think people need to remember that. If you want to make the world a better place, don't joke about how being patriotic is a sin - would you go to a foreign country and make an uproar if their flag was risen higher than a christian flag? NOT if you want to love them dearly. There is a difference between critique and ridicule. And you know what? God loves every human being more than the pieces of cloth we adhere to - even those that burn them.
My heart aches. I want to see change but I feel so inadequate. I want to keep learning because thats what I love to do but I hate myself when I can't learn to love those who don't want to learn! No wonder Solomon was so depressed in some of his writings (Solomon I think? Nothing new under the sun, something about even if I built the greatest kingdom my son would just destroy it?) - having knowledge is so stressful! Maybe thats why some people want to keep themselves from learning new things. They WANT to stay in the dark so they don't have to worry about it. I mean hey - thats how I am with Chemistry and Math - gross.
I just want to cry. I do not know what to say to these people. What do I say to someone who probably thinks they know tons more than me - and maybe they do? I just see a path of destruction! I see fiery passion in them but past that I see emptyness. I don't see love. I don't. These are people who I look up to in so many ways. I see it all around me the more I think about it. Who am I to say to them "you are making a mistake!" Do not be discouraged because you are young - well thats REALLY HARD. How do you confront someone with love who thinks that they are confronting a problem the right way - but it just looks so wrong to you? Am I doing the same? I don't feel empty - I feel quite full to the brim actually - full with some sort of mixture of anticipation and fear, and worry and just...ANGER! I don't know how to show anger in love...or do i? Is this how it feels?
My sister Amanda brought me a book that she had been reading with some of her fellow church members called "ekklesia"- to the roots of biblical house church life. I can't sleep - and I'm pretty sure anyone who would read this blog would quit before this paragraph because I verbally vomit from them mouth often - so I'm going to start it. Aaaaaaand maybe write a little about my trip :)
Also.. I want to be in the Olympics.
Random.
