Summer

Bored. But not completely - I am still procrastinating all the things that probably should be done now, rather than later. 

Bought some new Death Cab for Cutie cd's today - I love them! Their album PLANS really is awesome and touching.

I'm always discontent it seems. I'm never satisfied. There are things that I want to do that I can't, and there are things that I don't want to be involved in and yet I am. I'm not happy here in Potosi, but as soon as I get back to Columbia I probably won't be pleased either. I don't want to be like this either - so unhappy with the way things are. I feel so responsible and yet so helpless at the same time. 

I get so aggravated when people give me advice for something that really had no purpose for what I was dealing with, or they get confused with what I am talking about and don't understand the real issue I'm dealing with. Its possibly because I suck at relaying how I feel in words, I'm working on it, really.. I am! I wish I was the kind of person that let things go easily too - I don't even need to bother worrying when its not that big of a deal right? 

The "walk" has been slow lately - I should probably pick up the pace. Or actually take a step. 

I have my good days - today wasn't one.

Possibly one of my favorite songs ever...

Jars of Clay - Lovesong for a Savior

In open fields of wild flowers 
She breathes the air flies away 
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses 
In no simple language 
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter 
Or the stars in the heavens 
As close as a heartbeat 
Or a song on her lips 
Someday she'll trust him 
And learn how to see him 
Someday he'll call her 
And she will come running 
Fall in his arms, the tears will fall down 
And she'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Sitting silent wearing sunday best 
The sermon echoes through the walls 
A great salvation through it 
Goes to the people who stare into nowhere 
Can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter 
Or the stars in the heavens 
As close as a heartbeat 
Or a song on her lips 
Someday we'll trust him 
And learn how to see him 
Someday he'll call us 
And we will come running 
Fall in his arms 
The tears will fall down and we'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Seems to easy to call you savior 
Not close enough to call you a god 
So as I sit and think of 
Words I can mention to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with you

This was one of the first songs I ever fell in love with - It speaks so solidly to me about the way I am with Christ or at least how I want to be. All I want to do is fall in love with him. I really haven't gotten sick of it since I stole my sisters Jars of Clay CD like 10 years ago.

Song Lyrics

Here is a song by Derek Webb - The lyrics just really seemed to pull me in :)

Like a man comes to an altar,
I came into this town,
With the world upon My shoulders
And promises passed down.
When I went into the water,
My Father, He was pleased.
I built it and I'll tear it down
So you will be set free.

Yes, and I found thieves and salesmen
Living in My Father's house.
And I know how they got in here,
And I know how to get 'em out.
Well, I'm turning this place over
From floor to balcony.
Then, just like these doves and sheep
Oh, you will be set free.

'Cause I have always been a lover
From before I drew a breath
Oh, and somethings I love easy
And some I love to death.
You see, love's no politician
'Cause it listens carefully
So from those who come,
I can't lose one,
So you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Go on and take My picture
Go on and make Me up
Oh, I'll still be your Defender
And you'll be My missing son
And I'll send out an army
Just to bring you back to Me.
'Cause regardless of your brothers' lies,
Oh, you will be set free.

Because I am My beloved's
And My beloved's Mine;
So, you bring all your history,
I'll bring the bread and wine.
Then we'll have us a party
Where all the drinks are on Me
And as surely as the rising sun
Oh, you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Celibacy?

I'm so confused.

Lately I've been wondering about the issue of the gift of singleness, and who it's really intended for. It is one of my lowest achieving spiritual gifts, and yet I can't help thinking maybe that's changed since the last time I took a test having to do with spiritual gifts. (my first is the gift of learning :) ) 

I was utterly single last semester. I say utterly because it had been so long since I had not been in a relationship - and people actually asked how I was and not "where is you're other half". Not that that question is bad, I just realized that I was not a real person - I was pseudo-self if you will. That is what happens when you are in a relationship I realize, I mean a relationship, especially in marriage, two become one. But what happens when you start to think that one can do more for the Lord than two?

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how can he please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how can he please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned with the affairs of this world- how can she please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in the right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

The way Paul speaks about this subject to the Corinthians seems so true. I mean, from what I know, my walk with the Lord has been more stable when I'm fully leaning on him even when its out of sheer loneliness. I know that some people struggle horribly with the fact that one could live alone in this world. I am not saying that I don't, but I feel now that I would be okay alone. Maybe. 

1 Corinthians 7:8

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

I think most would agree that this is true. I mean, God created a helper for Adam, because he was lonely. We were meant to be social, loving, caring, intimate creatures who form communities in which we are social, loving, caring, and intimate. Being a hermit is not the way to go - we are called to be interactive.

My questions are many of this subject. How do you know if God is telling you you are to be single for him? When do you know if this is for a certain time or for the rest of your life? How do you know thats not just a trap that your mind bends because "you aren't worthy of a companion". What happens if you just don't feel pulled any certain direction? 

My mind usually doesn't stop reeling at night, so maybe this is just ridiculousness because the Lord gives to whom he wants to give, and gives us nothing we cannot handle right? I am such a control freak sometimes I just blow up when I can't see the way out of a situation. 

I'm confused on what my calling is to do right now! Am I disobeying God if I am in a relationship and I feel like it is tugging at my relationship with Him? Am I just trying to deny what is right for me because I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice or miss out if I don't pursue a relationship? Am I scared because I have been brought up by a generation who denies their faults and doesn't answer questions or respond to christian intimacy? Sex is not bad - its God ordained. But should we keep far from it because it can easily entangle us even when we are married?Questions, Questions.

The books I've read on Christian dating are great, but there seems to be questions that cannot be answered except in one's own heart. 

All I want to do is follow the right path, all I want is to do his will! 

I feel like maybe it's not whether you choose to be single or in a relationship, but that its the relationship you keep with God that matters. I know plenty of wonderful God-loving couples who have done so much for me, my friends, and the world and yet I feel like the single christians that I know get more "credit". 

Sometimes I feel terrible because I feel like this is an issue I shouldn't even be worried about. I still have 2 years of college left. Are my worries just useless? They are not deep social/political issues, they don't deal with the poor or war, but why does my mind contend with this over those right now? 

All in all I guess I really just need to keep in mind at least these two verses:

Philippians 2:13

" For it is God who works in you to will and act according to his good purpose"

- As christians, we are willed to do good no matter what our status

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"

- well said.