Politics Shmolotics

...that's how I've felt about this whole election 08'. Although SNL does a great job of making me laugh about it...It hasn't even passed and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Everyone has their opinions, everyone knows who they are voting for and their reasons for doing so. Everyone thinks they are right, and everyone else is wrong. Messy. 

Is it is a sin to be unpatriotic? 

God has shown me something about my opinion in the past week or so. 

I've decided practice my right NOT to vote. (I have that right... don't I?) At first, my decision came because I hate all politics. I'm not good at arguing, I'm not all filled in on all the information, and I'm certainly not good at making choices - especially when its picking "the lesser of two evils", as I've heard this election called. I wouldn't say I call myself a pacifist, but I'm not fond of large-scale confrontation. Then, the decision was kind of because I'm forgetful and haven't gotten my absentee ballot - but then again I didn't try too hard to find it. 

Its not because I don't think that even though this system is flawed, my vote can't make a difference. I mean -  lots of institutions work with their imperfections - we're human - we can't make anything perfect. I guess I just feel like there is a choice that I prefer more...

I feel like God has told me - "Adriene, no matter what state your location may be in, you still have the chance to show my love, my grace, my undying love to the people around you. So what if everyone thinks their country is falling to pieces - I use broken people remember? I look for the lost, not the found. I love them. You see those people in distant lands who are so on fire for me? I want that where you are." 

Whether our economy gets better, or bottoms out like a dried up well - my opportunity to follow the great commission has not changed. I'm still called to love the homeless, plead for the widow, and help heal the sick. Even if I don't get to use my car (since I am one of the lucky 8% of the world's population who actually has one) - I can follow God. If I have to start growing my own veggies - I can follow God. If I can't grow my own veggies because I was not blessed with a green thumb - I can follow God. 

I was reading out of Ezekiel 37 today. A valley of dry bones - brought to life before the prophet's very eyes. A symbolic tale depicting Israel coming back to life. Hopeless. Cut off. Brought back from the grave. "And then you will know I am the Lord". 

I've seen it in my own life. God is so majestic. That's all I could think about when I read this over and over again. It didn't even scare me - I was in awe of my heavenly father - and I was so happy because that hasn't happened for a long time. 

Is it possible for that to happen again? A nation brought back to life? A nation who KNOWS that HE is the Lord? A lofty dream maybe, but a prayer that won't be taken off my list.  If not a nation like we know them now, but a people maybe? A people who returns to their first love?

All I know, is that I can't deny him right now, and I love it.

So Bored!!

OKAY so.. I know.. I'm a terrible blogger. I'm one of THOSE people who have too much to say but can never get it all down so it ends up being all mixed up and confusing. To top it all off..I rarely get on here! It's not that I don't want to...it just seems like life moves too fast for me.

I'm sitting in the nursing building right now, waiting for my next class to start (I've been in the same room for the past two weeks - it looks smaller and smaller every day. Boredom overcomes me. 

I've been really excited about starting this year - new classes, new people, new attitude. Last week's RealLife was stressful..but I'm glad I did it. Being honest from the get-go is hard to do - and so is being transparent enough for people to see your weaknesses. I pray that our authenticity is fruitful to our ministry though. FFG's start up this week, as do small groups. Maybe my small group will let me practice measuring blood pressure.. my roomies are probably already getting tired of me practicing on them :). Good Roomies :)

I got up and ran this morning..it felt good! I'm pretty sure I'll feel the effects of it in about an hour or so. I always feel better when I have the afternoon to study or do whatever I want instead of thinking about and procrastinating my workout. 

I've been looking up info on a mission trip to the Philippines. You know, a "finding my roots" kind of trip! There is a missionary there who actually pastored my hometown church in Potosi. Bro. Don Newsom. I should probably be applying for VSM or something like that soon - I just want to go so bad! 

Ugh..class

Write later!!

*sigh*

Moved to a new place...still messy. No internet for a while.

Everyone around me is either pregnant, getting married, already married, or a mixture of these things.

My sister was nice enough to give me a facial today - and also let me see all the black heads AND white heads on my face through a black light - I'm thoroughly disgusted.

What a weird mood I'm in!

A little upset.. and awake.

So, I've been studying for this exam I have tomorrow morning at 10... and decided that I'd go to sleep as soon as possible. 10 PM I closed my eyes...I guess my body feels like an hour and  a half is enough to suffice me through the night. It was like a nap. I just want some sleep. 

I feel like I will hate myself In the morning.

Sometimes I just think about things too that wake me up. Literally. 

Sin - I just don't understand why its so okay in my mind when I'm commiting it, and why there is a delay of guilt ..kinda? Or its like I know its coming but I don't seem to care. I have this false reality that I'm not going to be affected by it. WRONG. I always am. Just like sleeping in way too much and not being able to sleep at night. No matter how much I like to claim that I can sleep through anything my body plays tricks on me and acts like I can't. 

Now I just keep thinking that there is no hope for me and this exam. 

Am I normal for thinking that God punishes me through my grades? Is that normal? I can't help but think - there I go again, thats gonna cause me a bad grade. It may sound ridiculous and I sometimes hope it is but I really think that a lot. I mean - does God really care what my grades are? Ick. I feel ugly all over. Just like my run-on sentences. I always overcompensate for those too. 

Is it possible for me to be positive EVER? 

KC

What fun! Came to see Brenna this weekend in her DELUX apartment for her internship. Its pretty grand...and came fully stocked. Right now we are just veggin out on the couch watching HGTV and planning our duplex for next semester. We went to The Plaza last night (which is like a 3 minute walk away from her) and ate at The Cheesecake Factory. It feels pretty good just to relax before the crazy couple of weeks I know will be CRAZY. I gotta finish up my class, start up our electricity and water, organize a whole bunch of things..ehh. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my time with my friend and worry about it when the day comes. 

Tic Toc Tic Toc

Soooo... as I sat and waited on my class to begin, I looked at my last post and realized it was quite incoherent. I guess I just get so excited sometimes I can't stop typing and it just turns out to be rambles..which is okay I guess since its just a blog. 

Class in my own room - kinda interesting..but obviously hard to pay attention. I'm really worried about this class. It has definitely been the hardest class I've ever taken - and I might have to take it again. I'm over not getting all A's. I'm over getting all B's. I think I'd like to stop there but honestly, I'm just trusting God to take the wheel on this one - which is also a problem because lately, I haven't been giving him anything at all. What is it with me? Failure should be my middle name. 

I feel like my summer is just slipping through my fingers. I've had a lot of fun so far but still I feel like I haven't done anything at all. After my trip - it's like I haven't existed! I don't always feel like this - maybe just now. 

I haven't packed up anything yet to move..I finally just got everything I need to do written down on my calendar! I hear life doesn't slow down - until you get osteoporosis and you have to be slow or else you break a hip. Start taking your calcium ladies - we have a greater risk of getting it! 

I have learned a lot in this class - its pretty interesting...if only it wasn't 10 weeks long- maybe i'd remember something. I think my next task should be learning how to write more professionally. I did okay in high school with English... but obviously my vocabulary isn't a smidgen bigger, and the grammar well ... I like to use a lot of ellipticals.

Guess I should get back to class. 

Happy In-dependence day?

I'm worried. I'm quite worried - about some people who are close to me. I love them dearly but there are just some things I don't understand! If I had the guts I would yell and SCREAM and beg for understanding of their actions. I think the weight of how much  money rules our world - our minds - just dropped on me, or maybe its been like rocks added to my chest very slowly, so much that I cannot breathe. Taxes, loans, luxury - no wonder Jesus talked about money so much! Why does it make us feel so free when we have it, and locked down when we don't? I mean I guess thats an obvious question - I just can't help but ask it. I know some people have great intentions - like doing things for the community but I am quick to judge their ability to do so in a righteous manner (I know, quick to judge, quick to be judged). It's so difficult. 

There is a hole that we are stuck in. Artistic men and women are free to express themselves here - but how do you keep doing that when such little money is made (or so we think). What if you want to open some type of community art appreciation (because I believe my creator fabricated us to be imaginative and creative) but you can't do that with out support? Money, Money, Money. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. 

I am not independent. Not at all. Even my cells depend on the creator who made me. I suffer to breathe. I fully appreciate being born in a country who's theme is land of the free and home of the brave - and I'm a firm believer in a country turning itself around (cause ah-hem..God can do anything, even for Wal-america). But of course, doubt assails my every thought. I have so many ideas that I think have potential, and that could be worth something to someone someday. I keep getting these sticks thrown at me though. I know that there are some who are ashamed of both what the church has done like not standing up or taking credit for any mistakes, and I know that there are some who would like to burn our own government because they think it is flawed beyond repair. But isn't that how we all are? Must we be anti-chruch anti-american anti whatever?? What happend to hope? What happened to trusting and FULLY believing and PLEADING with God to change things? Did not God bring the most disgusted to his side? Did he not have an adulter and a murderer for the apple of his eye? God loves the broken! We are broken! We are NOT independent of ANYTHING. I won't give up hope for this country. I can't believe that focusing on how NOT to be american and how NOT to be patriotic would be a better use of time than helping our sick, our poor, right out of our own homes instead of blaming a government. Just do it! Just do whatever it is that you can to help others - even the least of them. 

I know people will criticize me. They will say you know nothing of politics, or how the church is supposed to be ran. You are "pseudo  rebel" against the "evils" of this world. But I don't care. I think the best way to resolve hate is with love, fights with reconciliation, disease - prevention and education! I may not be the most outspoken knowledgeable person to speak of politics and church administration and its true I flake out on lots of chances to "show the world what I'm made of" but this I know. I will hold firm to the rock that keeps me anchored... I trust He knows what is best. I am in dependence of him - and thats the way I like it. Sometimes I think people need to remember that. If you want to make the world a better place, don't joke about how being patriotic is a sin - would you go to a foreign country and make an uproar if their flag was risen higher than a christian flag? NOT if you want to love them dearly. There is a difference between critique and ridicule. And you know what? God loves every human being more than the pieces of cloth we adhere to - even those that burn them. 

My heart aches. I want to see change but I feel so inadequate. I want to keep learning because thats what I love to do but I hate myself when I can't learn to love those who don't want to learn!  No wonder Solomon was so depressed in some of his writings (Solomon I think? Nothing new under the sun, something about even if I built the greatest kingdom my son would just destroy it?) - having knowledge is so stressful! Maybe thats why some people want to keep themselves from learning new things. They WANT to stay in the dark so they don't have to worry about it. I mean hey - thats how I am with Chemistry and Math - gross. 

I just want to cry. I do not know what to say to these people. What do I say to someone who probably thinks they know tons more than me - and maybe they do? I just see a path of destruction! I see fiery passion in them but past that I see emptyness. I don't see love. I don't. These are people who I look up to in so many ways. I see it all around me the more I think about it. Who am I to say to them "you are making a mistake!" Do not be discouraged because you are young - well thats REALLY HARD. How do you confront someone with love who thinks that they are confronting a problem the right way - but it just looks so wrong to you? Am I doing the same? I don't feel empty - I feel quite full to the brim actually - full with some sort of mixture of anticipation and fear, and worry and just...ANGER! I don't know how to show anger in love...or do i? Is this how it feels? 

My sister Amanda brought me a book that she had been reading with some of her fellow church members called "ekklesia"- to the roots of biblical house church life. I can't sleep - and I'm pretty sure anyone who would read this blog would quit before this paragraph because I verbally vomit from them mouth often - so I'm going to start it. Aaaaaaand maybe write a little about my trip :) 

Also.. I want to be in the Olympics. 

Random.  

Wow so I'm so behind!!!!!

Okay, I know its been like a couple weeks since I got back from El Salvador, and I haven't put up a blog post, or facebook pictures (um because ITS BEING STUPID!!!!) and I just haven't had much time because I'm studying my brains out! But I have so many things in my mind so I'll put them up ASAP. 

Just got back from the lake (Pomme de Terre?) or something of that nature with my roomies Stormie and Brittney! It was probably the best thing for me. We slept in, went out on the boat, layed out, and read a lot of books! I got a lot of studying done so I feel pretty accomplished. We watched a lot of tv and movies too :) 

I can't stand that I still have so much more studying to do :S I know I wanted to take this online class and hopefully I pass it but things are starting to look gloomy. If I can just get my schedule back in line I'll feel much better. Its like I planned my whole semester for El Salvador and now that I'm back - I'm lost! My calendar is blank but I KNOW there are some major things I need to start filling in. 

Me and the roomies talked a lot about this coming year at the BSU on leadership - I'm super excited about the potential - especially because of all the steps we made last year. I felt for a while that maybe I wasn't needed there anymore, or that it was useless for me to get involved anymore because I didn't feel like I added anything. I think I was just at a slum in the year, I am scared because I always feel like I am a failure, but I really think we can do great things this year! I thank God for Brittney Victory and Stormie Dorrell every day because they truly have been some of my best friends since I came here to Columbia, and have been faithful ever since. 

So much I still have in my mind, but I need to get going - so I guess I'll write more later!!!!

I'm Ready..

to go!...almost... 

I've been an a tizzy for like the past 3 weeks, preparing for El Salvador, working, taking my online class (which is a lot more difficult than I imagined :( ), but I'm so ready to go! 

I'm driving to Bethany's tonight - and we leave for El Salvador at 5:45 AM tomorrow. I've got to admit - I'm a little scared... I'm not sure why. I've been on planes, been on mission trips, but I guess this is my first medical one - and the first one that I hardly know anyone going! I mean I know Bethany of course, but not anyone else. It's going to force me to get out of my comfort zone and live the life. The anticipation is definitely getting overwhelming because I've been waiting all year for this! 

We're supposed to have internet access at the hotel we're staying at so I'm going to try to keep in contact as much as I can - blogging will be a great way to get everything out! I think that I get to help the nurses out on the trip which is extremely exciting for me. If not, I'll help those doing VBS! which is always awesome because kids make me happy. 

I tried to pack "light" - we'll see if my "light" is the airports "light".

I feel a little unhappy because my prayer life for this mission trip hasn't been what I've wanted it to. I mean I have been praying - so much about the impact we might make. But the actual time taken to really pray about this is not something I'm proud of. I guess maybe thats why I feel a little scared. I know that I am doing what God wants me to - I just really don't want to be lazy for him you know what I mean? I guess thats how I feel about life as a whole! I see so many people that are "living" for God - but really its more like "couchpotatoeing" (sp?) for him.  

Father, 

   I need you. I need you to be with me. Every step. Give me humility to serve those around me. Give me the wisdom I need to do what you want me to. Give me the courage to use that wisdom when the time comes. Remind me to be a learner, because thats what I love to do. I know I have to study for my class while I'm gone, which is a bummer, but help me to remember that these things are important in my education, and I will use them for you some day. I pray that our team is ready and prepared for what lies ahead of us. Give us soft hearts for the people of El Salvador, give them soft hearts for you. I want them to see You through us, not just a bunch of Americans. Help us to live for you. And die for you. Thank you so much for the opportunity. Thank you for the family you gave me, and the prayers from them and friends that support me. I know it's a short trip, but Lord I know that every chance I get, even if it is a small one, is a chance to glorify you.  I'm tired of messing up. I'm tired so give me the strength to make the right choices. Be with those that will be on the flight with us - even the trip there is a good chance to shine your light! I need you. I love you. 

                     Adriene

Summer

Bored. But not completely - I am still procrastinating all the things that probably should be done now, rather than later. 

Bought some new Death Cab for Cutie cd's today - I love them! Their album PLANS really is awesome and touching.

I'm always discontent it seems. I'm never satisfied. There are things that I want to do that I can't, and there are things that I don't want to be involved in and yet I am. I'm not happy here in Potosi, but as soon as I get back to Columbia I probably won't be pleased either. I don't want to be like this either - so unhappy with the way things are. I feel so responsible and yet so helpless at the same time. 

I get so aggravated when people give me advice for something that really had no purpose for what I was dealing with, or they get confused with what I am talking about and don't understand the real issue I'm dealing with. Its possibly because I suck at relaying how I feel in words, I'm working on it, really.. I am! I wish I was the kind of person that let things go easily too - I don't even need to bother worrying when its not that big of a deal right? 

The "walk" has been slow lately - I should probably pick up the pace. Or actually take a step. 

I have my good days - today wasn't one.

Possibly one of my favorite songs ever...

Jars of Clay - Lovesong for a Savior

In open fields of wild flowers 
She breathes the air flies away 
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses 
In no simple language 
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter 
Or the stars in the heavens 
As close as a heartbeat 
Or a song on her lips 
Someday she'll trust him 
And learn how to see him 
Someday he'll call her 
And she will come running 
Fall in his arms, the tears will fall down 
And she'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Sitting silent wearing sunday best 
The sermon echoes through the walls 
A great salvation through it 
Goes to the people who stare into nowhere 
Can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter 
Or the stars in the heavens 
As close as a heartbeat 
Or a song on her lips 
Someday we'll trust him 
And learn how to see him 
Someday he'll call us 
And we will come running 
Fall in his arms 
The tears will fall down and we'll pray

I want to fall in love with you

Seems to easy to call you savior 
Not close enough to call you a god 
So as I sit and think of 
Words I can mention to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with you

This was one of the first songs I ever fell in love with - It speaks so solidly to me about the way I am with Christ or at least how I want to be. All I want to do is fall in love with him. I really haven't gotten sick of it since I stole my sisters Jars of Clay CD like 10 years ago.

Song Lyrics

Here is a song by Derek Webb - The lyrics just really seemed to pull me in :)

Like a man comes to an altar,
I came into this town,
With the world upon My shoulders
And promises passed down.
When I went into the water,
My Father, He was pleased.
I built it and I'll tear it down
So you will be set free.

Yes, and I found thieves and salesmen
Living in My Father's house.
And I know how they got in here,
And I know how to get 'em out.
Well, I'm turning this place over
From floor to balcony.
Then, just like these doves and sheep
Oh, you will be set free.

'Cause I have always been a lover
From before I drew a breath
Oh, and somethings I love easy
And some I love to death.
You see, love's no politician
'Cause it listens carefully
So from those who come,
I can't lose one,
So you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Go on and take My picture
Go on and make Me up
Oh, I'll still be your Defender
And you'll be My missing son
And I'll send out an army
Just to bring you back to Me.
'Cause regardless of your brothers' lies,
Oh, you will be set free.

Because I am My beloved's
And My beloved's Mine;
So, you bring all your history,
I'll bring the bread and wine.
Then we'll have us a party
Where all the drinks are on Me
And as surely as the rising sun
Oh, you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

Celibacy?

I'm so confused.

Lately I've been wondering about the issue of the gift of singleness, and who it's really intended for. It is one of my lowest achieving spiritual gifts, and yet I can't help thinking maybe that's changed since the last time I took a test having to do with spiritual gifts. (my first is the gift of learning :) ) 

I was utterly single last semester. I say utterly because it had been so long since I had not been in a relationship - and people actually asked how I was and not "where is you're other half". Not that that question is bad, I just realized that I was not a real person - I was pseudo-self if you will. That is what happens when you are in a relationship I realize, I mean a relationship, especially in marriage, two become one. But what happens when you start to think that one can do more for the Lord than two?

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how can he please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how can he please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned with the affairs of this world- how can she please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in the right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

The way Paul speaks about this subject to the Corinthians seems so true. I mean, from what I know, my walk with the Lord has been more stable when I'm fully leaning on him even when its out of sheer loneliness. I know that some people struggle horribly with the fact that one could live alone in this world. I am not saying that I don't, but I feel now that I would be okay alone. Maybe. 

1 Corinthians 7:8

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

I think most would agree that this is true. I mean, God created a helper for Adam, because he was lonely. We were meant to be social, loving, caring, intimate creatures who form communities in which we are social, loving, caring, and intimate. Being a hermit is not the way to go - we are called to be interactive.

My questions are many of this subject. How do you know if God is telling you you are to be single for him? When do you know if this is for a certain time or for the rest of your life? How do you know thats not just a trap that your mind bends because "you aren't worthy of a companion". What happens if you just don't feel pulled any certain direction? 

My mind usually doesn't stop reeling at night, so maybe this is just ridiculousness because the Lord gives to whom he wants to give, and gives us nothing we cannot handle right? I am such a control freak sometimes I just blow up when I can't see the way out of a situation. 

I'm confused on what my calling is to do right now! Am I disobeying God if I am in a relationship and I feel like it is tugging at my relationship with Him? Am I just trying to deny what is right for me because I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice or miss out if I don't pursue a relationship? Am I scared because I have been brought up by a generation who denies their faults and doesn't answer questions or respond to christian intimacy? Sex is not bad - its God ordained. But should we keep far from it because it can easily entangle us even when we are married?Questions, Questions.

The books I've read on Christian dating are great, but there seems to be questions that cannot be answered except in one's own heart. 

All I want to do is follow the right path, all I want is to do his will! 

I feel like maybe it's not whether you choose to be single or in a relationship, but that its the relationship you keep with God that matters. I know plenty of wonderful God-loving couples who have done so much for me, my friends, and the world and yet I feel like the single christians that I know get more "credit". 

Sometimes I feel terrible because I feel like this is an issue I shouldn't even be worried about. I still have 2 years of college left. Are my worries just useless? They are not deep social/political issues, they don't deal with the poor or war, but why does my mind contend with this over those right now? 

All in all I guess I really just need to keep in mind at least these two verses:

Philippians 2:13

" For it is God who works in you to will and act according to his good purpose"

- As christians, we are willed to do good no matter what our status

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God"

- well said.

First Blog Everr!!!

So...it has taken me a while to actually get going on this "blogging" thingymajig. Tiff suggested it to me since I have troubles keeping my journal. I'm not real sure how this is going to work out, and since I'm so new to this any advice would be awesome!

Last semester I was in a bible study called Spiritual Disciplines. I could honestly say it changed my life - or at least my logic on life. I have lots of homework to do tonight still, so in order to at least get down what my mind is chasing, I'm going to make a list of things I'm thinking about and what I would like to expand upon later.

Last semester's theme word : Transparency

This semester's theme word : Progressiveness

Latest struggles - everyday bible study :(

Excitement for the future - Nursing School!

Latest CD - Sanctus Real - We Need Each Other

Lyrics that effect me

Verses that effect me

Daily tagalog word - I wish to gain fluency. 

I hope to start blogging more and more often - It seems like a good way to organize thoughts and maybe keep me on track. 

All for now - Magandang gabi (goodnight!)

      AddieSimp